Hi! My name is Exentio (I mean, that’s not my actual real life name), I’m 21, italian, and I like a lot of things! I decided to make this page because I think my CV is not enough (especially length-wise) to describe the kind of person I really am, since I am way more than what you can see from a professional/technical point of view. I’m not entirely sure about what and what not to put in there, so I decided to write everything! Yay!
Yes, this is me. Just kidding, that’s Yori Asanagi from “Sasayaku You ni Koi wo Utau”. But, long hair and a Monster, that’s basically me.
Also, very important: this page is being constantly updated, what you see today is not what you might see tomorrow, or even in 5 minutes. The last time this page was updated was: 9/12/2020 at 18:51. DD/MM/YYYY, since I live on the right side of the world.
Oh hey, look, I was also nice enough to give you a table of contents, so you can skip to the parts you prefer! Yes I plan to make this page very long!
I don’t know if this is something I should say myself since of course I’d be very nice when talking about me, but how else would you know? By interviewing me, maybe.
Please interview me.
I’m that kind of person that always wants to stay positive, doesn’t matter how bad the situation is. This kind of attitude is what helps me the most with my fight with anxiety, sometimes it takes a while, but in the end I always win.
I’m a social introvert, I like the time I spend alone because I feel at ease and I can do all the things I like the most, like writing; but at the same time, I find refreshing being with people I’m comfortable being with. I’m really shy at first and I find it a bit hard to make friends, but when I get used to it I start making excuses to have conversations, and then I become very sociable and friendly! This article about social introverts is a good description of the kind of introvert I am.
I love learning new things, and I’m also a fast learner. I’m also very curious, which is a great combo. These are arguably my strongest traits when it comes to work, since I don’t mind learning everything I don’t know yet, and it makes me very flexible.
I’m also a procrastinator though (who isn’t lmao), but I never broke a deadline and I always got good results. Plus, when I start doing something, I usually don’t stop until it’s done (except of course when there’s a problem that prevents me from getting it done). For example, I wrote the first revision of this page in 6 continuous hours and continued from early in the morning of the day after. In the end, procrastination is something I can and will fix. One day.
I’m very introspective. This is another thing that helps me a lot when I’m feeling down, and that’s how I found out that when I went to the ER in 2018 I wasn’t having a heat stoke but it was just uncontrolled anxiety. I know a lot about me, and I know what I don’t know yet. I think introspection is the most important skill when it comes to self-acceptance and healing from the past.
I’m open-minded and I hate echo chambers. I listen to every kind of opinion and then take my own conclusions, I always learn from other people.
I’m caring and empathetic, I want to be close to people, understand them, and help them. I’m still trying to get better at this, and getting to know more people will surely be helpful.
I don’t like lying. I’m very self-conscious about lies and I would feel guilty if I ever told lies that gave me an advantage. I never praise people if I don’t mean it even if I need their attention, I’d rather give good criticism or not speak at all. I’m as honest as Shakira’s hips.
There are more things about my personality, but I don’t want to make this too long. I hope you’ll get to know me well enough to be able to discover all of those things by yourself!
Professionally, I’m an IT engineer. The high school I graduated from is the IIS “E. Mattei”, my course was Information Technology and Telecommunications. High schools in Italy work differently from the rest of the world: my school is a technical institute focused on highly qualified specialization in different things, you can choose different courses like chemical engineering, mechanical engineering, and so on.
To make it easier to understand, my technical school subjects, from third year onwards, were:
I also had two mandatory internships at different companies, I talked about them in my CV but basically, the first one was a company ran by three JS fanatics (read: extremists) and the company now failed (lmao), the second one was the R&D division of a major company based in Rome that makes software for the public administration, a bit boring but I learned a lot about being independent on the workplace.
My school, in particular, had great teachers, and they perfectly complemented the things I was already learning by myself, sometimes helping me with some projects.
For my Matura (final exam) I made an IoT system all by myself and using things I didn’t learn at school (Python, for example), to show that I’m perfectly capable of being independent.
That’s how I scored a 95/100. Couldn’t be happier than that.
I also went to the University Of L’Aquila for a semester. I stopped for various reasons. One is that I studied all my life and I’ve always got very good grades, and now I feel like it’s time to get my hands on the things I studied. I also am that kind of person that learns a lot while doing things, not while studying their theory: in my opinion, the italian university system is flawed in the sense that focuses too much on theory and doesn’t give enough attention to practice. Most of my technical high school subjects hours were lab hours - we actually learned computer things in front of a computer.
Staying there would have been a waste of money (for rent mainly, the tuition was ridiculously cheap) and time. I also had a huge identity crisis after that, I couldn’t stand the sight of my computer without feeling sick, but it’s by going through it that I learned what I want for my future. It was a terrible experience but I grew up a lot, and in the end I can say without a doubt that I really needed to question myself and my beliefs.
Ok, not just that.
I’m currently nerfed by the fact that my only server is a Raspberry Pi 3, but I’m a fan of homelabs, self-hosting and home networks. I have a TON of stuff I want to self-host to make my life easier, more organized and stuff like that, so I spend a lot of time learning about system management.
I don’t mind programming, I like Python because it’s easy, powerful and rarely makes me scratch my head because of build systems or other stuff, but I also like C++ and Rust because they’re very efficient and can do low level stuff.
The reason why I don’t program a lot is that I either don’t have anything too interesting I want to do or I aim too high. Example for the latter, I have some game ideas. Thing is, I suck at drawing and music and lack the money to hire artists.
So I’d say I’m a sysadmin first and programmer second, but the reality is that I want to balance the two.
I’m also part of the maker movement and attended four different Maker Faires (including the very first one in Rome). I love DIY electronics, especially mechanical keyboards, and I’m currently planning to make a small mechanical macro pad with a display and rotary encoder that can also act as an IoT remote, more about this later.
I support right to repair and ofter repair phones, but just things like screen and battery replacements because my SMD soldering skills still need improvement. I also love modding consoles, to the point where I had a Nintendo Switch for a year, I barely played any game on it, but I spent a lot of time trying different mods. Don’t worry, I’m now using my Switch as a console that plays games.
Talking about games, I have some experience with Ren’Py (tests for my visual novel projects), RPG Maker (I did very simple things when I was like 12) and some Pokémon ROM hacking (I was really into hack ROMs when I was a kid).
Besides computers, I have lots of other passions.
I’ve always been interested in photography since I was a kid, but sadly my father is an a-hole and I never had the chance to use his camera without having it backfire (wHy DiD yOu ChAnGe ThE sEtTiNgS - probably I borrowed the camera and didn’t even use it). Lately, I’ve been taking more photos with my phone, but I’m waiting to have enough money to get a mirrorless and travel since I like landscapes and nature.
I also love motorcycles. A lot. I like ADVs because, as I said before, I love nature, and they’re more refined machines than dual-sports, which means I can do off-road and then get a lot of highway mileage without any issue and go camping wherever I want. My dream is the Versys-X 400, which doesn’t exist yet (they still use the discontinued Ninja 300 engine). Kawasaki executives can run but they can’t hide.
I love writing, and I apparently always have since I used to write great essays in grade school. I like personal writing, that why I have a blog, but I’m also trying to write some light novels (yes, like the japanese ones but not in Japanese). I’m currently struggling with writing my stories because I’m extremely overwhelmed emotionally, my house feels like hell because of my father. I’ll talk more about this later when I explain why I’m trying to move abroad. Personal writing like this doesn’t suffer from the same issue, for whatever reason.
I also love cooking. I try lots of different things and usually succeed. I’m planning to learn lots of new recipes and techniques when I’ll be living by myself.
I listen to a lot of music. Right now I’m in love with japanese Shoegaze, bands like Tokyo Shoegazer, Kinoko Teikoku, Mass Of The Fermenting Dregs, Yuragi and Uchu Nekoko, that also have a bit of Alt Rock influences (which is one of the genres I love the most). I’m also a HUGE fan of Spangle Call Lilli Line. Other artists I love are Thrice, Dayglow, Low Roar, AllttA, Placebo, Spectrasoul, Thirteen Senses. I have a Rate Your Music profile, by the way.
I’m a weeb. I like romance, rom-coms and cute girls doing cute things anime, plus other things like the Fate series. I’m also a big fan of Nichijou, Kokoro Connect and Yozakura Quartet.
I’m ok with graphics. Can’t to a lot of complex stuff but simple things are fine, I can also use Inkscape. For example, I like making VHS covers.
My top priority, besides finding a job and moving abroad, is getting fit. I’m pretty healthy, but I’m overweight and that’s something I want to solve. As soon as basic things like work and rent are figured out, I’ll start going to the gym. Even if I wanted to start right now, there isn’t a gym in my town, but honestly I need to be independent and mentally stable before I commit to it. Maybe I’ll try martial arts too, just for basic self-defense (read: calming the shit out of my father).
I’d like to try making music. Just try, no particular commitment. Maybe I’ll get a synth or a MIDI keyboard and start learning how to make nice noises with them, or maybe an electric guitar and some effect pedals.
I also want to get very good at off-road motorcycle riding and camping. I’ve been to Pescasseroli often with my parents, the first couple of times we stayed in a tent (then my mother broke her ankle and couldn’t sleep on an inflatable mattress). I want to learn how to do this but alone.
Learning cybersecurity, reverse engineering and pentesting would be nice.
I can already train dogs (my father is the owner of Tycho, the cutest work-line german shepherd in the world, and I guess that makes me the owner too), so I want to learn how to train cats too since I plan on getting a siberian cat. I’m a cat person.
I work on lots of different projects very often. Some of them see it through the end, some I lost my interest in or had to drop them for things out of my control, others are on-hold for reasons often related to either my mental health or my lack of money.
I love experimenting so it’s normal that I stop working on some projects.
I made a CCT (warm white and cold white) WiFi LED controller, quickly and without much planning, because it was an “emergency”. Take a look here.
There’s a backstory. I bought a WiFi RGBW controller to use it with an RGBW light bar I made, and flashed it with ESPhome to use it with Home Assistant (Tasmota was slow and unreliable on my Sonoff). It worked. Then I changed power supply, and used a Wii PSU (12V/3.7A, within spec). It was probably defective, because I heard a relatively loud POP and smelled something terrible: the smell of regret.
I tried to fix it by scavenging a voltage regulator and two caps from various routers I had lying around, but it didn’t last long. So I remembered I have a DC-DC converter and more ESP-01s than I’d like to admit, and looking at the circuit schematic of the original controller, I recovered the MOSFETs and put all that stuff together on a pegboard. Against all odds, it worked. It low-key looks like a fire hazard, but it didn’t burn my house down yet.
ExPad20 is my very first custom PCB project. A mechanical macro pad, mainly for gaming. I had no money nor the skills to make a 3D printed case, so I attached a piece of foam under it.
It was a gift for a friend who is no longer a friend since he slandered and doxxed me after he gave me the silent treatment while at uni. Life’s like this.
PCB repo, firmware repo.
Intarnetto is the IoT system I made for my Matura, as I mentioned before. It was designed so that it can be made with cheap components, can work without an internet connection and can be easily personalized and upgradable, with no botnet that can decide for you when to throw the hardware away.
DeltaLaunchSA, my very first programming project. A C++ program launcher, run it, write the number of the desired program or website, the end. I wanted to declutter my Windows taskbar, but then I moved to Linux and started using dmenu.
I was professionally asked to make a proof of concept of a bike sharing system and I delivered it successfully. I offered various solutions involving both automatic (with stations) and manual (with human staff) management of the bikes, with a simple back-end capable of being integrated in lots of ways including a map to easily find out the availability of the bikes, and a LoRa network. The ideal solution includes RFID (or RuBee on metal) tags inside the bikes that can be read by an automatic station that communicates with the main server, user identification happens using either NFC-enabled phones or QR codes, since not every phone has NFC; it’d be also compatible with an NFC membership card, for older people or those who don’t want to take their phone with them.
not pong. All lowercase. I’m learning Rust and I wanted to make a game, so I decided to destroy and violate Pong to turn it into some kind of wicked madness. Temporarily on-hold due to other priorities and a change of mind, but it’s probably gonna be the next project I’ll be working on (the basic pong game is ready btw).
I made a Python API wrapper for Nhentai. It’s still a work in progress and things will change, but it’s usable. GitHub repo.
Hakase will be a 3-to-6 keys mechanical macro pad with a rotary encoder, an OLED display, and both bluetooth to use it wirelessly and WiFi to use it as an IoT remote. Still a WIP, the PCB is almost completely designed but I need to buy a display before I plan it entirely. Hopefully I’ll also be able to put a copper art of Hakase Shinonome on the back of the PCB.
Koyomi will be a PDA, based on a Raspberry Pi Zero W and a Psion 5. I gutted the hardware out of the Psion, and the plan is filling it with the Pi, a battery, a display, a keyboard converter, and a 3DS/PSP analog stick with two buttons to use it as a mouse. The main focus of the PDA is writing and SSH/serial, it can probably do more things but it doesn’t need to. Small writing device for maximum productivity on-the-go.
Worst case scenario, I’ll just convert the Psion into a smartphone keyboard cover.
A Pokétch Pebble watchface. Self-explanatory, the available ones suck.
Ritsu, a kernel. I have no intention to make the next Linux, I just want to learn more about this stuff. Right now it boots but it’s basically a copy-paste, I want to understand it better and write a couple games on it. On-hold because I have other priorities.
My modded MagicForce 68. Killed the controller because it doesn’t respect the USB standard specs. Replacing the PCB with a MF86, waiting to have enough money for a bluetooth controller and for some vinyl wrap for the plate. I’m not going to mod the switches since they’re Blues, but I’d do it if they were linears or tactiles.
All my stories. I think about them every moment, literally, but I’m not mentally stable enough to write them. Often I write a couple sentences, but that’s all I can do in my situation.
My games. Same as above plus I can’t pay artists.
My homelab. I have a Ubiquiti EdgeRouter Lite, a TP-Link 24 port gigabit switch, a Raspberry Pi 3 and a random wireless router used as an AP. I need a real server with enough power and storage.
My DIY silent keyboard. I bought a Varmilo Miya Pro with Silent Reds, and I’m in love with it. I hoped it could help with writing but yeah it’s not that easy.
A Nintendo Switch sysmodule for Discord Rich Presence. The current one needs a PC turned on with Discord running, and the PC has to be on the same network as the Switch. I wanted to make a headless server and a configurable sysmodule. Problem is, Discord doesn’t like custom clients, and there isn’t any decent way to have Discord running headlessly on a server. If the Discord client part gets solved, I wouldn’t mind working on this again.
Nintendo Switch screenshot uploader for your preferred services. Already exists and it works perfectly, I get my screens uncompressed with a Telegram bot.
So, I already mentioned how I suffer from anxiety. Thing is, my anxiety has been born by my toxic parents, mainly my father since my mother has just been influenced by him, that always asked too much from me. He planned my whole life, like high school (I was heavily conditioned by him when I chose the first one, that I hated), university (he basically convinced me that I had no other choice), and what I should’ve done in the future. He was often violent physically with me when I was younger (I started going to the new school with a black eye) and only stopped when I became able to fight back. Almost every day he verbally attacks me because I decided to live my own life and make my own choices, and even though I’m learning how not to care, it’s hard.
Besides that, I want to experience new things and improve my spoken English, get to know more people, and have the freedom to start over in a place where nobody knows me. I feel like I need to get out of my safe zone to become a better person, and moving is the first step.
I’m excited about the idea of moving abroad because I’ll finally be free to live how I want and learn how to be independent. Waiting has become really painful, but with the pandemic, safety comes first.
I don’t want “just a job”, else I’d have already found it. I want a fulfilling job where I can feel part of a team, not just be employee n. 04206916.
It needs to be a job where I can learn a lot, I want to get better at the things I love, learn new skills and improve the ones I already have. I want to work hard without having to question myself on why I’m doing this. If there’s something I don’t know, I’m perfectly capable of learning it.
I’m looking for a human company where I can be friends with everyone, from the new intern to the senior manager, even the CEO if possible.
I care a lot about work-life balance, because the things I do at work are just a part of my passions. I need time to do everything else I love, and a good company needs to respect that. Plus, a company that cares about the mental well-being of its employees is a company I can trust.
I’m also ambitious in the sense that I hope to find an entry point in a company and then show everyone what I’m capable of, maybe even start with a role and end up in a very different one. Of course I won’t know immediately what I want to be, it also depends on the company, it’s something I will discover with time while I learn more and more about the company and the jobs.
I try to find the best setups, workflows and tools for everything I do, I keep trying different things until they work for me, and I often look for other ways to improve them and make me more productive.
I built my desktop PC when I turned 18, and it saw some major changes after a year because my motherboard broke and Amazon refunded me for both the mobo and the CPU.
My laptop, instead, is a ThinkPad T430. I bought it used, sometimes I kinda want a newer laptop like a Surface Laptop 3, but I’m still in love with this machine.
On both my computers, my main OS is Artix Linux, which is basically Arch but better since it uses OpenRC instead of Systemd.
My window manager of choice is Openbox with some terminals/widgets with Tilda, my taskbar is tint2.
On my desktop use Jack instead of PulseAudio because I hate PulseAudio, and pure ALSA had some mixing issues and didn’t like my PreSonus audio interface. I didn’t bother with the ThinkPad because I don’t care that much about audio on it, plus PulseAudio is bluetooth audio-friendly.
My main shell is Fish, because Bash is too simple and I don’t feel like switching to zsh. My terminal of choice is Mate Terminal because yes.
My color scheme is bluetype by dkeg - by the way, it’s the same as this page! I’m planning to keep the color scheme of this page coherent with my terminal one, but I don’t see me changing it soon.
My monitors are distanced in software so that the mouse doesn’t freely go from one to another. I can either use mouse gestures (natively supported by the MX Master) or a keyboard shortcut. I also have a shortcut to swap between the Italian ISO and US ANSI keyboard layouts.
For programming, I use Sublime Text with various plugins, most notably Sublime-Linter for Python and C++ linting. I like it because it’s simple yet very functional, it saved my butt a lot because even if you forget to save, it keeps the last edits when you close and then reopen it.
For normal writing, I use Ghostwriter because it’s very comfortable for markdown, it gives help with syntax because I never remember the link-title order for links, and it’s good looking.
When I designed my writing setup, I had two priorities: being able to write everywhere, anytime, resuming where I left, and having more backups than I’d ever need. Basically, writing seamlessly from my PC, my laptop and my phone without running the risk to lose any data, and without having to bother about moving the files manually.
The biggest part of my writing setup is Syncthing. It runs on my Raspberry Pi and automatically syncs my markdown files between all my devices. It also keeps 10 versions of my files, generating a new one every time the file gets edited.
Markdown itself is also important because it can be edited with any text editor, without the need of complex office suites.
The editor I use on my phone is JotterPad Pro, which I got for free when AppGratis was still a thing. Simple and powerful, great for avoiding distractions.
If I need to use a device that doesn’t have Syncthing, I can use SSHFS or SFTP. Unless it is an Apple mobile device. Yes, I’m having a bad time integrating my iPad into my writing setup.
For notes, I use Google Keep because of the sync and the mobile and browser apps. But I’ll probably move to something self-hosted to separate my writing notes from my personal notes, I’m trying OneNote on my iPad but I’m not sold for that purpose (it’s great for planning trips tho).
For mind maps and flowcharts, I use XMind, because there are mobile apps and desktop apps and it works offline, so I can export the file from a device and import it on another. I don’t mind the watermark that comes with the free version.
I rarely take written notes, but when I do, I use fountain pens. I have a Parker Vector, a Kaweco Perkeo, a Jinhao 599 and a Jinhao Shark, my inks are Pelikan Edelstein Aquamarine, Diamine Silver Fox, Diamine Lavender and Diamine Ancient Copper. I also always have a Pilot V7 with the Edelstein ink in my bag. And a Moleskine, dotted.
For music listening, my main choice on PC is my PreSonus audio interface and a pair of AKG K612 Pro, I have most of my music in FLAC and I listen to it using mpd and ncmpcpp. I also have a Technics CD player (I’m a big fan of CDs) but I don’t use it anymore because I got rid of the dedicated amp I had on my desk for space-related reasons.
My Galaxy S9 still has a headphone jack so I have a pair of Mee Audio M6 Pros, but my ear canals are weird and get easily irritated by every in-ear phones; I got a pair of new Galaxy Buds+ for €49 (promo with my mother’s Galaxy A51) and they’re insanely good, the sound is great and somehow they don’t hurt my ears, so they easily became my earphones of choice since I can also easily switch from my phone to my laptop.
For gaming, I have a modded Nintendo Switch, a PS4 bought used for €50 (“not working” - needed a new HDD and a fix for the HDMI port), and my PC on which, when I don’t use mouse and keyboard, I play with a red Xbox One controller with the old chunky wireless adapter (with xow on Linux). Yes I play games on Linux whenever I can, Steam Proton works great, lately I’ve been playing Fall Guys with zero issues but now Easy Anti-Cheat killed the compatibility (press F for me).
I look at things from different perspectives, mainly as a fan and as a creative. I enjoy some things just because they’re good, and lots of them also influence me from a creative perspective. Some also helped me grow as a person and not just as a creative, and those can be helpful to the ones who may need a piece of good advice or two.
I listen to a lot of music but I have my favorite genres, I’m not a “yeah I listen to everything” person (which is usually a lie btw). Of course this doesn’t mean I only like some genres and hate everything else, but I’m definitely picky about music.
I could easily recommend every artist I listen too, but I want to focus on the ones who have an impact because otherwise it’d be very hard to even finish writing this list.
I won’t lie, I’m not an avid reader, but it’s something I’m trying to fix because there’s a lot of stuff I want to read. I put manga in the same category of books because I don’t see the reason why a good manga shouldn’t be in the same category as a good novel.
I’m not the biggest gamer in the world, mainly because I find it hard to commit myself to play games every day and finish them, but this doesn’t mean I don’t have any experience. I started playing games when I was like 3 or 4 with my father’s PS1, I played a lot with my PS2 and definitely spent too much time on my DS Lite. Now I play mainly on PC and Switch, but I play on my PS4 too if a game I’m interested in is a PlayStation exclusive.
Most anime I watch are just funny or entertaining, but others have been life-changing. Anime is so different from western cartoons in the way they deliver a story.
People that inspire me or somewhat helps/helped me, no matter their background.
There are some things I wish the younger me knew, and I try to help people in need when I see them and I can, so these are the things I think everyone should know.
I tend to use personal examples a lot, it’s not like I’m trying to tell you to do exactly what I did or trying to flex something or whatever: I just think it’s a good way to explain what I’m saying.
I always thought to be a calm and composed, the idea of suffering from anxiety never crossed my mind: I just felt bad occasionally, but that was about it, my school life was great and my father, while being a horrible person, never bothered me as much as he does now. Then during the 2018 summer, I started having a lot of the physical symptoms of anxiety, to the point where I ended up having to go to the ER and spent 8 hours there, without finding what the problem was. I found out about what anxiety really is by looking on the internet and hell, realizing that I always suffered from it was a shock. Everything just fell into place, the way I acted in some situations, the things that happened to my body, everything. I had to discard completely the idea of not being “that kind of person”.
Of course, while it is extremely important, I’m not just talking about your mental wellness: finding out who we really are and what we really want to be is arguably harder and more important because it can greatly influence our happiness and mental health as well.
I wanted to be a programmer, that’s what I always thought. I mean, I was only good with computers, and other things like working in IT looked like they either were already flooded with people or becoming jobs of the past because of the cloud (not true, btw). But while I was good at it, I never really wanted it to be my only reason to live. Writing code for my whole life? Ew.
That’s where I started realizing that I could turn the fantasies that lived inside my brain into stories, I’ve always been good at general writing, so why not novels? That wasn’t enough, tho.
I started going to the university because it just seemed the natural thing to do, that’s what my parents put in my head, I never really considered not going. When I had my identity crisis, I wanted to leave computers and be an editor, a writer for blogs or whatever, and you know what? I wasn’t really happy at the idea of making a living out of that kind of stuff. I was feeling hopeless, what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life?
That’s when I started watching some TEDx talks, and self-growth videos like the ones made by Matt D’Avella and Nathaniel Drew.
I made a decision: to stop making decisions.
I always tried to plan my whole life because it made me feel safe and I could pretend that I had everything under control. I also wanted everything and as soon as possible, I wanted to get over the hard part as quickly as possible, I wanted the results. But in the end, that kind of attitude is what made me suffer the most.
I decided to take it slow and start over, completely. Literally getting out of my safe zone by moving abroad and not making choices, only considerations. The only things I knew where that I loved computers and that could be my job, and that I can write whenever I want. I can do anything else I want. My job is not my life, my life is whatever I want it to be, and I have to let myself change my ideas and aspiration whenever I want. I started getting into motorcycles too and it became a huge passion quickly, so if I have computers, writing, and bikes in my life, I can be happy, if I don’t like something anymore or I want something else, that’s fine, people change.
It was hard to understand that not trying to have everything under control and to challenge myself is what I needed, that’s what I mean by “learn more about yourself”.
Trying a lot of different things can be very helpful when you’re trying to find your true self, sometimes we fall in love with things we didn’t even consider before, or even thought we hated.
Challenge your beliefs, think a lot about yourself and the things you really love. It’s not something you can do overnight, but the time spent looking for our true selves is not time gone to waste.
Instant gratification is great. Thing is, it doesn’t last long and it doesn’t hold much value, especially because when we try something harder and we can’t get the sweet sweet dopamine rush, we just give up, never trying again.
So get used to taking it slow and enjoying the process.
Process is the key. When you do something you don’t want to do, you want to get over it as soon as possible. Instead, when you really love something, you start doing it because it brings you pleasure, and the result is a consequence. Like I’m doing with this page, anyone else (except writers, I guess) would have stopped writing a couple of paragraphs ago, but I’m enjoying the process so much that I don’t want to stop.
It’s when you love the process that you can really say you love something, and taking it slow, taking the time to do something can show you things that you wouldn’t notice if you stick to instant gratification.
Taking it slow also means other things. Take your time to think about yourself (as I said before). Take your time before you decide if you want to commit to something you’re not sure you enjoy. Take your time before making life decisions. And take your time even if everyone else wants you to rush.
I already said that my parents influenced me a lot by making me do the things they had already planned for me. Even computers, when I was around the age of 5 or 6, instead of taking me to the park and let me play with other kids, my parents gave me a computer so they didn’t have to do anything, and when I turned 9 we also had internet. Without dwelling too much on why leaving a young kid alone on the internet is a very dangerous thing to do (and thank god I was very responsible), this is to show that even one of my biggest passions was actually just something that was forced on me at first.
Our parents “only want the best for us” and society has its norms and dictates what’s ok and what’s not. They force their ideals and their beliefs on us and we have to accept them and do what they want us to do. Become slaves of the 9-to-5, enrich our country, respect what’s normal in a relationship and have a family, complain about the government and do nothing to change anything.
Get rid of that shit. Find your true self and fight everyone that tries to stop you. Decide how you want to live and commit to it, your happiness comes first. Be honest to yourself and find the strength to fight what’s normal and what’s expected from you. Try to face the people who are trying to decide for you, with respect but also confidence, be honest with them about your choices, and try to let them understand you. If they can’t, whatever, you tried and you don’t need their approval.
You’re the only one who has the right to set goals for yourself.
If you have a negative way to think, nothing good will ever happen to you, because you won’t be able to appreciate it. I get it, it’s hard to stay positive when your life is a Turbo Busa in sixth gear, open throttle and no brakes going at full speed against a reinforced concrete wall, and that’s ok, we should allow ourselves to feel down when things are not ok. But this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try to get over those feelings. Our outlook influences our everyday life, and life is too short to live it with a long face.
Smiling more makes us better, and trying to stay positive can help us find a solution to our problems. Even our facial expressions and our body language count, they influence our mood as well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone with a sad face and a defensive body gesture saying how much they love life. This TEDx video is very good at talking about the way our body language influences our mood, it has english subtitles as well, it’s a must-watch.
I think the reason why I hate my father the most is that I’m still living with him, I can’t stand him anymore because he always treats me badly and it’s hard on me. But I think I’ll start hating him less once I move out.
Honestly, it’d be easy to just erase him from my life. Not answering his calls, going to my grandparents instead of home when I get back to Italy (he doesn’t speak with them because he’s an a-hole), not inviting him to my wedding (if I ever get married), and stuff like this. It’s easier than it seems.
But should I? What’s the point in holding a grudge and trying actively to get rid of him? I think it’d just turn into negativity. The best choice is to embrace my past, learn from it, and heal. I want to be better than him, and I want to start by acting mature, in the end it’s not like we never had nice moments together, or we never had a laugh. Of course I will hold him responsible and I won’t forgive him for what he did to me, but not cutting my ties with him and not forgiving him are not mutually exclusive.
This can be really hard, especially if you had parents like mine, so it’s ok to seek help from a therapist. It’s ALWAYS ok to seek help. Healing and learning how not to hate is among the first things to do before you can really grow up, I’m sure my father is like that because he never healed from his trauma and being like this looks normal to him, that’s what he learned from his parents, they may be better people now but in the past it was normal to be harsh like that.
Even though you can choose not to forgive others, you should definitely learn how to forgive yourself. If you’re like me, you probably feel down every time you want to do something and you just can’t because something inside is devouring you. Or maybe you just procrastinated your way out, that’s common too.
Well, that’s ok. I mean, you should really find a way to fight and solve the problem, but when it happens, that’s fine. It happened, let’s strive to do better next time. What good can it come from being so harsh with ourselves? Hating our guts for not being productive is not the kind of motivation we need.